Growth breaks you. It tares you down and cuts deep to release you from the fear you've been covering for years so unconsciously. Those layers of protection bring more and more to be fearful of. Repeating unwanted mantras throughout your day. The year 26 was the most memorable growth for me, it offered the wound in which I bled my fears dry to reveal the light that had always been there shinning to everyone else, except myself.
The lessons I have taking with me, I would never trade for the relief in those dark moments. I can honestly say I have never prayed so much, I'm positive my prayers could filled a hundred novels. From the outside looking in, it was always the same response, I'm fine. I really wasn't. My body, mind and soul were battling with each other, and it's sad to remember that love was always the answer yet I couldn't see past my fears long enough to feel it. Through those moments I was so grateful to my family of Divine love with me every single step of the way, even though it was hard to really connect with them I felt their gentle nudges and comforting presence. I was almost there, they would give me hope through despair and doubt. They would show me the light when it was getting dark, and most importantly they held me when it hard to keep going. I was going through physical pain every single day and didn't understand why. I had multiple tests done and everything came back okay, the conclusion was that it was mystery, chronic pain without an expiration date or they would blame it on anxiety when they had no other conclusion to give me. There was many lows and also great highs through out those months of laying in bed. Some of the most painful lows was watching my children watch me. And some of my greatest highs was knowing I needed to be to be with them every single day. The day came where my prayers where answered beyond my predicament, it truly was a miracle. I woke up with this enormous courage inside of me. This loud voice that said enough. It's time to remember who you truly are and to feel it. You are not your body, you are not these pains and discomforts. You are not your mind. You truly are free. Be free Terry-Lee! It was the first day in a long time where I sensed and felt it in my being. All this knowledge of reading books, and meditating and gaining wisdom and insights on whatever my heart desired will never compare to connecting it to the FEELING of that knowledge. Every single thing must be felt in order to grasp it because it goes beyond the mind.
My body was finally on the path to healing. Understanding and feeling the balance of surrender, love, and acceptance. They truly were the greatest lessons. I wasn't done though, the wave came up for a second round, but just to be sure I had trust added to my list of 26. The greatest news of all came on June 26 when my husband and I found out we were expecting a beautiful little soul. I felt him a few weeks before the confirmation. It was a wave of emotions that took place inside of me, my body was still healing and this beautiful gift of god presented itself to me in the most perfect way. It wasn't before long that we found out we had miscarried. You can just imagine where I was at when this all took place. Emotionally I was unavailable. But somehow I just knew it was meant to be, I wasn't angry or upset. I remember my mom asking me numerous times and checking on me for weeks to make sure I wouldn't crack or break down, but I just knew I would be okay. That everything was okay. This baby chose me at this particular time in my life and I was so grateful for that. Of all the people on this earth he chose me. That truly is a miracle in itself, but something else I carry is how he showed me trust. Trust right down to the seconds, literally. And I will carry those moments with me for the rest of my existence, to never again doubt that a greater force of love is always working for me, and always with me.
It would be too easy to blame, to ask why and be angry at every wave thrown my way, but then I would have wasted so much growth. Every soul is different, every experience is different even if it's the same event or circumstances, because every person has a specific lesson to learn in it all. What I can tell you for certain, is that you have the most amazing family of Spirits helping you right this minute, and that you are never alone. You are always safe and everything is happening for you. It might not be clear, it might feel dark and lonely, but that's only because your thoughts are loud right now, and it can't be loud forever. Your sweet spirit sits peacefully within you yet holds all the power. Let her out, and let her shine. This courage is called love, and Love is who you truly are.
I can honestly say I have never felt more powerful in who I am. This knowing of who I am is something I have practiced for many years, and I thought I understood this knowledge. Until you feel it in a way were your ego doesn't understand it then you have felt the understanding of it. The walls were taking down and the light had always been there. The decision and the choice was always mine to make. I carried the stories of many that only caused me pain. Today I understand that the most important reason we all chose to come here is love. Love in every way. Love yourself, your mistakes and flaws. Love your pain and your light. PS, there is not a day that goes by that my baby isn't by my side.
I am blessed. Terry-Lee x